Lonely.

I try to make it seem like I'm okay with being alone, but right now I don't think I am. I've technically been single for the vast majority of the last four years, with a week-long long-distance relationship in the middle. I've got something casual, but nothing serious. It's not a relationship, it's not a friendship, it's physical. I want something more than that. I just want someone to sleep with me. No, not sex. Sleep with me. Hold me in their arms and just cuddle and caress me until I fall deeply into sleep. I want someone to kiss me sweetly in the rain. I want chivalry to come back from the dead: opening doors, pulling out chairs, being courteous. I want to feel special. I want to feel loved. I don't want to leave your room feeling like a cheap piece of trash anymore.

Most people would ask me: "Jess, if you hate yourself after being with Mr. Physical, why do you keep going back to him? Why don't you just end it?"

I don't end it because I like the way I feel when he finally calls. I like the way he makes me feel like I matter before I go over there. I like the way I feel while we're together. I like the way he kisses me..passionately, without regret. I like the way we always end up laughing, even at the smallest of things.

But then, by the time I'm leaving, it changes. We're quiet. By the time I've left, I'm left wondering if it was just a facade; wondering if it was actually real.

I'm lonely. I want someone to love me the way I want to be loved...the way I need to be loved.