Boyfriend Envy.

I now, officially, have boyfriend envy. I see, perusing my other blog, a post by my best friend, describing a video his boyfriend left for him. I want someone to do that for me. I want someone to take the time, record me a song (MY FAVORITE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND SONG?! UGH, YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.), and leave it in a public place where everyone can see just how much you care about me. I want someone who isn't ashamed of me; someone who is proud to say, "yeah, she's my girlfriend and she's amazing" and would talk to me somewhere outside of his bedroom.

But I can't have that. God knows I'll never have that, especially with the guy I'm "with" (I'M NOT EVEN WITH HIM. GODDAMNIT) currently.

My heart is warm, but sad. I literally watched a minute of that song and cried because of a) how good it was, and b) how utterly sad it made me feel, knowing that I'll probably never have something like that. My current "beau" played his guitar for me once, the very first night...and it just so happened that he played that very same song for me: "Crash Into Me." I wish it was a more conventional relationship. Maybe we'd be friends, maybe we'd be more than that, but I wish we'd find somewhere to lay in the friendship spectrum, instead of balancing on the line between friends and lovers. After all, it's "friends, lovers, or nothing."

Gosh, I wish I'd seen that post last night; it would've cleared my mind a lot easier...and now I've decided what I want.