You know, sometimes those little "jokes" go too far. Like, yes, in moderation, they're fine. But this is starting to feel like high school all over again. I hated that shit. Yes, I love you guys as my friends, but you have to realize that sometimes you just go too far.

Feelings.

I feel like I am making the wrong choice.
I feel like I don't know how to turn it around.
I feel like I constantly think about cheating.
I feel like I want you in my bed.
I feel like I want you to be the one.
I feel like I need to realize I can never have you.
I feel like I need to do something unhealthy.
I feel like I need to lose control.
I feel like I need to take control.
I feel like I'm feeling too much.
I feel like I don't want to feel anything at all.

Second Guessing.

I have done so much second guessing in the last two days, ever since I saw you get on that train back home. I have thought about time and time and time and time again about the distance, about the pain, about the heartache, about everything... I miss you. I didn't realize just how much I would miss you up until when you left. Once you left, I realized just how much I needed someone like you in my life.

Why I thought I'd be somewhat okay with you being four hours away from me by train, is completely beyond me. I thought I'd be able to handle being loved by someone who couldn't constantly show me their affection. Now that I've been able to see just how much you could love me, I don't want to have to go back to the way it was, because now I'm addicted.

I wish I could feel confident telling you how I feel about this. But, I just can't. Honestly, I can't.

Ugh. I just can't do this. I don't know why I decided to start...

Something.

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm tired of playing by the rules of someone else's game."

I have turned a page. Something is different.

I knew that when he left I would miss him. I just didn't know it'd be this much. I've only known you a few months, dated you a few days, and already I feel attached. What we did last night and this morning has made a mark on me for a while. (Haha.) I don't know how I'm going to deal with not seeing you for the next three weeks or so. It's difficult keeping a long-distance relationship together; I know that. What I also know is that I think we can do this if we set our minds to it. If you're willing to try, I'm willing to try...

Today.

Right now, I'm in the middle of fucking East Greenbush. Yes. East fucking Greenbush. I got on the wrong bus going back to Albany from "running errands." So, now I've been on a bus for fucking EVER, when I have to be back on campus by 2 in order to make my brunch date. That ain't happenin' right now. No fucking way.

So I'll skip that, do homework, and get my one square meal a day: dinner. And now we're in fucking Defreestville.

Great weekend though, and it's not even over yet. :)

Drinking.

I want to be drunk right now. Badly. In the Melville basement, there is a drunken party going on downstairs. Gah. Why we no drinking.

Not forever alone anymore.

I feel good.

Just saying.

Choices.

These are choices I do not want to make. I do not want to have to choose between the two of you. I love both of you; do you not see that? I've told you both time and time and time again that I love you both and neither of you seem to listen.

I want this to be over. I want to go back to what we had; the three of us. We were all best friends. Now, while I understand what happened and why we're in the situation we're in, I feel like this has gone on far too long. I feel like we need to move on. While I'm not the best at moving on, I feel like it's necessary.

Life is a road that needs to be driven on; we don't need to sit and wait at a rest stop forever.

Why is the president of our Student Association so attractive? Seriously.

Life or Something Like It.

"The door wasn't locked."
"Yeah, I realized that after."

Nine words. Two days.

In no way, shape, or form, is this working for me. This is killing me. I really can't live this way anymore. This is not conducive to my life. With all of the problems with my other friends, with my issue trying to acquire a French major, I really don't need you being a fucking bitch to add to my stress.

"This must be just like living in paradise. And I don't want to go home." --David Lee Roth

David, honey, you're completely wrong. The only thing I want to do is go home. I want to get away from here because it's killing me to be here. It's not anything like I wanted. It's absolutely destroying me physically, emotionally, mentally, every other -ally you can think of.

Had I known this was what my college experience was going to be when I paid that $150 housing deposit to go here, I would've said "fuck you" and gone somewhere else...regardless of whether or not I had to sell a kidney to go there.

I'm going home for the day tomorrow. I'm going to hopefully de-stress a little bit...at the oral surgeon's office. Back here for all the weekend fun festivities on Saturday...but I feel like there will be less fun involved...

I wish my college experience was just as good as everyone else's....

Personality.

This is for the personal things I can't really share on Tumblr.
This is a secret place, for those thoughts that need to come out, but can't stay where people can see them...

These are the thoughts that are meant for me.

...

Right now, I'm going through a rough patch in my freshman year. I'm losing my mind, trying to apply to get in the Honors College, salvage a GPA that's somewhat decent, discover what classes I want to take next semester, looking into possibly switching from French to Globalization Studies with a French minor if I can't actually major in French anymore due to budgetary constraints, doing Model UN research, random homework, going "balls deep" College Democrats campaigning and fundraising and getting ready for elections, keeping up with friends, having issues with my roommate who's less than sociable...

College is so busy all of the time. Seriously. No down time ever. I barely, rarely, if ever, sleep decently. That's part of the reason why I'm glad I'm going home this Friday again. I mean, really. I get a decent night's sleep in a bed that's actually comfortable and a good meal. It's totally worth it.