Patience Turns to Impatience

So not only have I not received any sort of communication from the certain someone mentioned in the last post but I am sitting in the middle of a hall meeting and writing this post. This is literally the worst combination ever...

Patience.

I have been so fucking patient with you through this whole thing. The entire fucking time. All semester, I've been at your beck and call. And as soon as I want something from you, you bail on me. YOU FUCKING BAIL ON ME. You say you "owe me big." You're damn right you do. I expect chocolate and flowers and the whole fucking nine yards after tonight. I want the whole fucking thing. And you'd better deliver. It had better be decent for as long as I've had to wait for this.

An this has been a rant.

Significant, Statistically.

There is nothing worse than feeling like you don't actually matter to someone. Especially because I've been very kind to you. We can't even have a conversation outside of your room. That's just not how we are. We even have a class together and you can't even talk to me about some common interest we have? You know we have them; that's what brought us I to this situation in the first place...unless you don't remember. Which, honestly, wouldn't surprise me.

The fact that I can't say no to you whenever you call me is the worst thing in the world. You call me at one o'clock in the morning? Ten minutes later, I'm at your door. I'm the exact person I never thought I would be. And a part of me is truly ashamed. The rest of me is just plain confused. I used to have values and morals but now they've all gone to shit. Apparently.

I just can't believe why I'm letting all if this go on and my conscience has gone on vacation.

Crushing and Crashing.

There is something amazing about you that I just can't figure out. I don't know why I am so into you. I cannot have you. You don't want me. You're also going to Washington next semester to do an internship. There's really no point to me wanting you. Yet, I find myself getting giddy every time I see you; and when you say hi to me, I just get so excited. It makes me so happy. I can't help it. There's nothing I can do to make it stop. And I need to. It's not healthy for me to want yet another guy I can't have. I know for me it's always been about chasing and wanting, but shouldn't it be more about having? Wouldn't that make more sense?

Nothing I do ever makes sense.

Kissing.

You know when you kiss someone and you feel their lips on yours for hours afterwards?

I have that. I love that.

I shouldn't have that with this guy. It shouldn't be this way.

But it is.

I mean, I'm not attracted to him. At all. But the way he kisses me is just plain magical.

I feel strange without feeling that tonight. But, thinking about it brings it back. And now I feel it again.

I can only wonder why.