You've got some kind of hold on me. I couldn't even stay away. Not even this awful illness could keep me from going over there to see you tonight. Something is wrong here.

I think I have to finally say that I've fallen for you, as painful as it is for me. I mean, why else would I have gone all the way to your room in the snow with a massively horrible cold? While doped up on NyQuil? That's more than just casual sex now. It's serious. I can't even say no to you anymore?

I think part of it was just feeling lonely. I was strangely upset when he didn't call me last night as is our tradition...of Monday nights, that is. I mean, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have been upset. I wouldn't have cared. It would've just been another Monday night. When he called me tonight, I was strangely happy. I felt myself smiling even though I knew I should stay huddled up in my blankets with my bear and a good hockey game. Instead, I put on my coat and trudged out.

My roommate asked me: "Where are you going?" I responded that I was going to see a friend. She said that it was cold and late. I told her that I'd be back in about an hour. Which I was. That's the only thing I can ever judge the duration of; the time I spend with him. He and I even laid together tonight, and being there like that with him made me ecstatic. It made me so happy that I realized all of this. If just lying there in bed with him could make me that happy, then there's something wrong here. There's something showing that we're more than just friends.

I always seem to be the one that falls first in any type of relationship and I'd hoped that this one would be different. Obviously it wasn't. Now it'll just be a matter of staying quiet; not telling him how I feel and screwing this up. Why not tell him? Because I like what we've got. What we've got is better than nothing, right? If I lost this with him, I'd go back to being forever alone, or, I'd have to go out much more often to get my fix. And that's not okay.

I'm in a lot of trouble now. I kind of wish I could go back and rewind and never started this.