I already know the answer to this question. I know you won't call me, and I know it'll upset me and I'm just mentally preparing myself for the epic disappointment. I know you don't feel that way about me and I'm going to slowly and surely get over you and it. I think the fact that we've been seeing each other less and less is helping, honestly. It makes me sad because I like the way we were by the end of last semester, but right now I know we can't really do that. Our schedules just don't quite mesh right now. And it's even more difficult now that I live much farther away than I did last semester. It's not a two minute walk, it's more like a ten minute walk, and getting into the building, for me, is also sometimes difficult. You know, since I don't live on that quad with you anymore. Sometimes just thinking about it makes me wish that I hadn't moved. Sometimes I wish you'd come here and just lie in bed with me. Nothing special, nothing fancy, just you and me in bed together, like we were something more than we are...like we did the other night, just me scantily clad, you running your hands up and down my torso..lighting every nerve ending on fire with the gentleness of your touch and the softness of your skin. I'm always surprised by just how soft your hands are. Always. That's what I want. I don't even care if we have sex. I don't care anymore. I just want you and me together. I don't care about emotional attachment, even though right now it seems like I care. I care about being together.
Tuesday, when I went over there, you smelled different. Maybe you changed colognes or something. All I know is that you smelled absolutely amazing. I love the way you smell. I don't know why I'm so fixated on that, but I love it. I love coming home and smelling you on my skin. It's so comforting to me. I love climbing into your bed and remembering just how comfortable it is. It's even more comfortable than my own. And when a boy's bed is more comfortable than my own..it's an issue.
Some night, you're spending the night here with me. I want that. You talked about it and never went through with it. My roommate's boyfriend spends the night all the time. I don't see why you couldn't either. Maybe I'll mention that to you at some point. I don't know. But right now I just miss what we were and I can't stop thinking about what we could possibly be.
I hope you call me on Valentine's Day. I won't call you. I never do. I don't want to seem clingy. The only reason I called you Saturday was because I was in trouble and I was hoping you could help me get out of a jam. But you didn't answer. And I found my own way out. I don't need you. I just want you. I want you to want me the way that I want you. I want you to know that feeling of longing to be together. I want you to know the feeling of sheer ecstasy whenever we're on the phone. I want you to have to try and cover up the fact that you're in love with me. I just want you to feel the way that I feel for once.
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