Reflection.

That awkward moment when a picture of your ex boyfriend shows up on your Tumblr dashboard...is one of the worst moments. It makes you wonder if you really made the right choice calling things off with him. You remember the day he came to visit you like it was yesterday. You remember the day he left even more vividly. You remember trying to hide the marks he left on you. And worst of all, you remember the way you broke things off with him.

You did it in such a sleazy way. You told him you wouldn't be able to do it. You wouldn't be able to change. Well, could you have changed? Really? Did you really think you couldn't commit to one guy? Now look what you've done. You hurt the boy, you really did, and yet you still thought you made the right call. "Have fun boning whoever." Those were the last words you ever let him say to you. Since then, really, you've only been with one guy. Look at you now. Look. At. Yourself. Now.

You're practically committed. Remember when you went to that club and you made out with that guy? And then on the way home Mr. Physical called you? You felt guilty. You didn't go see Mr. Physical for a couple of days. You felt guilty for making out with Fail-Date-Club-Guy. When you saw Mr. Physical, you didn't tell him what happened at the club that night. And you know what? You drop other plans to be with Mr. Physical. How many times have you left the company of good friends to spend a half-hour or so in a bed with a boy? How many times? I can't quantify it, but I can tell you, it's been quite a few since last September 13th. September 13th. It's now, what? January 15th. September-January. Why, that's nearly four months. Normally "cupcake-no-filling" relationships don't last four months. Yours seems to have a very, extended shelflife. 

Now, I'm not saying don't keep doing it. I know how you feel about it. You love it. In a sickening way, you love the way that relationship works. And a tiny little portion of you wants it to become something a little more conventional, but you'll take it as it is, I know it. But just think about the other boy for a minute, you know, the one you hurt. You know he has a new girlfriend. You know he's happy. You could've been that girl; the one who makes him happy. You could've been that.

But you threw him away, like yesterday's mail, like a piece of trash. You didn't care about his feelings, you cared about your own. You didn't think you could handle being in a relationship that involved more than just a two minute walk, a quick kiss, and nothing more. Being with him involved work, something you just weren't equipped to handle. And now you have to deal with the regret consequences of your actions.