Death and Dying Relationships.

I haven't posted to this blog in a long time, but right now I have a pair of damn good reasons to.

My mother's friend committed suicide between yesterday and today and it's just put everything in perspective for me. I saw the reaction on my mother's face. I saw the tears. I flashed back to when I had wanted to take my own life and realized just how awful it would've been for her had I committed suicide myself. It would've been so much worse for her and the amount of pain I feel in my heart for her right now is unfathomable. My heart breaks for her, her friend, and her friend's family. As if my heart wasn't broken already. I hurt right now just knowing that my mother is hurting and all I want to do is make it better for her, but there is no way for me to. I hugged her for a long time, but even then it didn't help. I can't take away her pain and that's what is killing me.

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Relationships. Not even that, friendships require maintenance. They require relatively frequent interactions and efforts by both parties to maintain them. Neither of us have made a concerted effort to maintain this friendship. For nearly the last week, you and I have not spoken, and at some point during this week, you and I have both managed to conceal our facebook walls from one another. That is not friend behaviour if I've ever seen it. It bothers the shit out of me because that is what has caused a seriously long estrangement between my mother and her sister.

Can we both stop being stubborn and carry out a serious conversation about what the fuck has happened? (Or can I just offer to have sex with you as soon as I'm back on campus, because seriously, you need to fuck me already because I'm horny out of my fucking mind.) What even has happened to us? Everything was fine Friday afternoon. You hugged me and everything was fine. I smelled like you for hours after that (you had a fucking shitton of cologne on on Friday and I loved it) and still everything seemed fine when you left.


Now it's been nearly a week. Seriously. And we haven't spoken or anything. I don't want to be the first to break the silence, but I may have to be. I just want to talk to you again...