I can't even.

So, it's Monday at 3:45 in the afternoon. Normally, I'd be napping right around this time because I've had a hard day of classes and minimal sleep. That, right now, is half true. It was a difficult day of classes. I got more sleep than normal last night. I don't know how, but I managed it.

But, that's not the point of this post. This Monday, I'm freaking out. This Monday, I can't sleep in the middle of the afternoon. I have too much to do this Monday. I have a paper due next Monday at 11:30. I have a class before it, so it's not like I can stay up all night and do it. No, it has to get done.

Normally that wouldn't be an issue. I can get it done, even if I have to be awake until 7am the day of. I can do it and do it well, because I am a fucking beast.

The problem comes when I plan on going out Thursday night to a movie, then Friday night to a party with Mr. Physical (if he doesn't decide to do something else that night, which very well may happen), and leaving Saturday night open for possibly another party with another boy. That leaves not a whole hell of a lot of time to do this damn 6-10 page paper critiquing International Relations theories, most likely either liberalism or neorealism, depending on my mood. I think I'm going to do liberalism merely because it's my favorite theory and I have a bunch of resources at my disposal for it. It's not like I don't for neorealism, but I just don't like that one as much. Friday night, I want to look cute. Not because it's a "date" with this boy. It's not a date. I don't consider going to a party with someone, as friends, a "date." I consider going to a party with someone as friends as going to a party. Just because he's male doesn't mean that I can't go to a party with him like I go to parties with my female friends. I should go with Cute Trumpet Player, but I'll settle for going with Mr. Physical. He offered first. If he ends up not going with me, I'll talk to Cute Trumpet Player and see what he's up for doing.

No matter what way this ends up going, I need to find something to wear. That is essential. I want to look fucking hot. Not just cute as normal. No. I want to look hot. I am capable of it, I know it. Not usually, because usually I just don't give a fuck. No. Now I'm giving a fuck. Now I need to. This is the moment of truth. Just because he doesn't want to "date" creepy stalker girl, doesn't mean he doesn't want to date me, right? Exactly. I don't know if I still want to date him, I think I want to find someone a little more decent than him, but I could make it work, I suppose. Maybe he'll just be the starting off point. I don't know.

I do know I need to find an outfit. And I have no idea what to do.

Fuck.

Resisting Temptation...or not!

I finally heard from Mr. Physical today. Did not expect that at all. My heart skipped a full beat and a half when I saw that pop up on my computer screen. It all started with just a simple "hey" as it always does. And from there it just proceeded to get messy.

Apparently, he was turned on by my slut-tastic antics on Quail Street about a month ago now. He saw me with not one, but two different guys within a span of an hour. Awful job by me.

We talked about Kegs & Eggs, the annual big, drunken mess that St. Patrick's Day Weekend always becomes in Albany. He mentioned that it's a sloppy, slutty weekend. I told him I could use one of those, he offered to take me out with him next Friday night (after seeing the skank fest on Quail Street that night, how could he not?!) and I, stupidly, decided to take him up on that offer.

What the fuck am I even gonna wear?! I'll find something. I always do.

But the bigger issue becomes why? Why can't I just stop with him? Why can't I say no? I don't even know anymore. I know I've written before about how he has some kind of hold over me, but now, it's just even more evident.

Now I know we won't ever actually date though. This is a positive fact. Apparently, he's got this stalker (which made me laugh quite a bit, to be honest) and I asked him why she's stalking him. He says that "she's just that type of girl who doesn't get what hooking up is...like traditional relationships. This is fucking college."

Mhmm. I see how it is. Obviously you just want to fuck me. Obviously right now, I'm perfectly okay with that. Maybe this conversation will get Hockey Boy out of my head. At this point, I'd settle for anyone other than him. I'll even keep the sex dreams if they don't contain him.

I don't know why this is happening though. I need it to stop.