There are so many things I wish I could say right now.

I clearly can't, so I'm just going to say that I'm clearly annoyed that you keep guilt tripping me about what happened.

It's obviously not enough that I feel completely and utterly terrible about it. Whatever.

I have far too many thoughts in my head for it to be a conducive enviornment for sleep.

It's a good thing my coffee maker is sitting next to me ready and waiting to go.

Death and Dying Relationships.

I haven't posted to this blog in a long time, but right now I have a pair of damn good reasons to.

My mother's friend committed suicide between yesterday and today and it's just put everything in perspective for me. I saw the reaction on my mother's face. I saw the tears. I flashed back to when I had wanted to take my own life and realized just how awful it would've been for her had I committed suicide myself. It would've been so much worse for her and the amount of pain I feel in my heart for her right now is unfathomable. My heart breaks for her, her friend, and her friend's family. As if my heart wasn't broken already. I hurt right now just knowing that my mother is hurting and all I want to do is make it better for her, but there is no way for me to. I hugged her for a long time, but even then it didn't help. I can't take away her pain and that's what is killing me.

--

Relationships. Not even that, friendships require maintenance. They require relatively frequent interactions and efforts by both parties to maintain them. Neither of us have made a concerted effort to maintain this friendship. For nearly the last week, you and I have not spoken, and at some point during this week, you and I have both managed to conceal our facebook walls from one another. That is not friend behaviour if I've ever seen it. It bothers the shit out of me because that is what has caused a seriously long estrangement between my mother and her sister.

Can we both stop being stubborn and carry out a serious conversation about what the fuck has happened? (Or can I just offer to have sex with you as soon as I'm back on campus, because seriously, you need to fuck me already because I'm horny out of my fucking mind.) What even has happened to us? Everything was fine Friday afternoon. You hugged me and everything was fine. I smelled like you for hours after that (you had a fucking shitton of cologne on on Friday and I loved it) and still everything seemed fine when you left.


Now it's been nearly a week. Seriously. And we haven't spoken or anything. I don't want to be the first to break the silence, but I may have to be. I just want to talk to you again...

I think my favorite part of having a boyfriend is the Monday night sex.

Kidding.

My favorite part of having a boyfriend is having someone I can share everything with. I can share my body, my life stories, my triumphs, my struggles, everything.

The L-o-v-e word...

I accidentally (almost) said the l-word today. And I feel like a complete and total idiot because this always fucking happens to me. Always. Fucking. Happens to me. I can't even believe I've let it happen like this though. This was honestly the most ridiculous thing I've ever had happen.

I don't even remember what we were talking about but I know it wasn't even anything of sheer importance, but I said "I love youakjsdvlaisgdflasdgfa when you do really awesome things for me." It wasn't a very good save and I know he heard it, but I haven't mentioned it and neither has he and I don't want to because his roommates are here and things could get weird and I'm just not prepared.

Especially after the conversation we had the day before yesterday. He asked me if I thought I was in love with him. I told him I wasn't. I kind of lied, but I couldn't be honest. Not at that moment. Not yet. I feel bad for lying, but at this point, I do not want to ruin what we've got. I can't. I feel too strongly about this. I feel so happy about this. I'm too satisfied with my life at this point. I cannot afford to ruin this over one simple little four letter word.

And now I just can't deal.

Oh, goodness.

My new boyfriend is meeting my friends today. He's met a couple of them, not very many, and only for short periods of time. I'm very nervous about this. It's not that I'm afraid of them not liking him. He's perfect for me. I can say that. He. Is. Perfect. For. Me. I couldn't be any happier with him. I slept over at his room last night for the second time this week and I just couldn't stop smiling the entire time I was with him. He's cute and funny and nice and sexy and just everything I could've ever wanted him to be and more.

What I'm worried about is whether or not he will like my friends. They're a very, erm, interesting bunch and I don't know if they're really the kinds of people he likes to be around. They're not very much like him. He's different, but in a good way. I'm worried he won't like how crazy they are and I'm worried that they won't be on their best behaviour because, let's face it, family dinners normally tend to get crazy and out of hand very quickly. I know there is really no easy way for him to meet all of them unless we were to all go to family dinner together and family dinner really is the family at its finest. If he met them any other way I don't think he'd have a good understanding of the dynamic of the family.

I hope this all goes better than I'm envisioning it will.

The things I do...

I got a text today asking me "what's up and how was your break?" from, you probably guessed it, Mr. Physical. I answered it, like any other text I get, and said that I was currently in a lecture and that I had a good break. He asked me if I'd be free later and I was wondering what time he means for "later." You never know. He said 9:30, I said I'd be at dinner, but I'd go right from dinner to his room, which I did.

The entire way from dinner in the campus center with two of my friends to his room I was kicking myself. I was wondering why I was even going, why I wanted to go, and then justified it by saying that he doesn't call me every day and that I am feeling particularly lonely right now. Silly me, I always find some way to justify whatever it is that I do that is remotely not a good idea...like eat that entire pint of Ben and Jerry's Mud Pie ice cream (which was quite delicious). I get there, stand outside his door and text him saying that I'm not going to knock, but that I am in fact outside. He calls me, I hit the wrong button and ignore the call as my phone is appropriately singing "I Just Had Sex" which never fails to make me laugh. He sits in his room for another like, three minutes before finally reading my text and coming to the door. I get in there and we do what we do like normal human beings. (Well, normal for us.)

But this time was different. This time, he actually bothered to give me something that he'd never given me before. (I don't need to be specific here, do I?) It wasn't super great, but it was nice, and I was honestly surprised. After all, I'd given him that more times than I really care to think about. We finished doing what was actually normal and he let me sit with him for a while and watch "Don't Forget the Lyrics" with him and then we proceeded to have a discussion about Billy Joel and Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen -- three of the musicians that I happen to hold very near and dear to my heart. He even sang "We Didn't Start the Fire" with me, which was a really interesting experience. I didn't ask about Friday, but he did ask me what I'd planned for Thursday with my friend, but I said I didn't know.

I kind of wish he were my IRL boyfriend, but I like the way we are now. I like that we're friendsish. No, we still don't talk outside of our respective bedrooms, but we are talking more and more. It doesn't feel as strange as it first did. It feels much more natural, and I'm glad--especially after six months of this. I don't think I love him, I think I'm comfortable with him, and besides, I'll find a different guy I'll actually be able to date and talk to in public and everything will be fine. This is just a stepping stone.