You know, sometimes those little "jokes" go too far. Like, yes, in moderation, they're fine. But this is starting to feel like high school all over again. I hated that shit. Yes, I love you guys as my friends, but you have to realize that sometimes you just go too far.

Feelings.

I feel like I am making the wrong choice.
I feel like I don't know how to turn it around.
I feel like I constantly think about cheating.
I feel like I want you in my bed.
I feel like I want you to be the one.
I feel like I need to realize I can never have you.
I feel like I need to do something unhealthy.
I feel like I need to lose control.
I feel like I need to take control.
I feel like I'm feeling too much.
I feel like I don't want to feel anything at all.

Second Guessing.

I have done so much second guessing in the last two days, ever since I saw you get on that train back home. I have thought about time and time and time and time again about the distance, about the pain, about the heartache, about everything... I miss you. I didn't realize just how much I would miss you up until when you left. Once you left, I realized just how much I needed someone like you in my life.

Why I thought I'd be somewhat okay with you being four hours away from me by train, is completely beyond me. I thought I'd be able to handle being loved by someone who couldn't constantly show me their affection. Now that I've been able to see just how much you could love me, I don't want to have to go back to the way it was, because now I'm addicted.

I wish I could feel confident telling you how I feel about this. But, I just can't. Honestly, I can't.

Ugh. I just can't do this. I don't know why I decided to start...

Something.

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm tired of playing by the rules of someone else's game."

I have turned a page. Something is different.

I knew that when he left I would miss him. I just didn't know it'd be this much. I've only known you a few months, dated you a few days, and already I feel attached. What we did last night and this morning has made a mark on me for a while. (Haha.) I don't know how I'm going to deal with not seeing you for the next three weeks or so. It's difficult keeping a long-distance relationship together; I know that. What I also know is that I think we can do this if we set our minds to it. If you're willing to try, I'm willing to try...

Today.

Right now, I'm in the middle of fucking East Greenbush. Yes. East fucking Greenbush. I got on the wrong bus going back to Albany from "running errands." So, now I've been on a bus for fucking EVER, when I have to be back on campus by 2 in order to make my brunch date. That ain't happenin' right now. No fucking way.

So I'll skip that, do homework, and get my one square meal a day: dinner. And now we're in fucking Defreestville.

Great weekend though, and it's not even over yet. :)

Drinking.

I want to be drunk right now. Badly. In the Melville basement, there is a drunken party going on downstairs. Gah. Why we no drinking.

Not forever alone anymore.

I feel good.

Just saying.