With Bleu Cheese, Below High School Musical?

You've told me before that you care about me as much as you love bleu cheese dressing. That hurt me, more than I care to explain in this post that is hastily being written on a BlackBerry. But now I think you've gone too far here.

Today is Wednesday. Wednesdays, to me, are held very sacred being as they are traditionally "Family Dinner" nights. Tonight, however, I didn't feel a very, erm, "familiar" bond from you. You decided that instead of waiting for me to get out of rehearsal, you went to dinner earlier and left very soon after I had gotten there. Not because you had a meeting, not because you had homework (reasons that I understand completely). No. You left so you could watch High School Musical. Fucking. High. School. Musical. You value a fucking Disney movie more than having dinner with me?

Not two hours before you commented that you "loved me and I make you laugh." I wish you showed that you loved me just a little more often.

Promises, Promises.

You promise me "tomorrow." Honey, "tomorrow" was fucking yesterday. I see you today, you completely disregard my existance. Not even a "hi" or a "how are you?"...nothing. Silence. And you leave. Without saying a word. I know that's the way we normally are, but after completely standing me up the other night? You should at least be somewhat cordial. What would you do if I had done that to you? You would've been pissed. I know it. I've tried it before. And it never works because I have no self-discipline and I believe you've finally realized that. I think you know that no matter how hard I try, I just won't be able to say "no." (Except when it comes to certain things.) I'm just tired of always being an object. I am a person, I have feelings, and you should probably acknowledge that sometimes. I'd like to feel like I'm human.

I'm saddened by all of this too. How could I have let this happen to myself? Why did I let myself get wrapped up in this? I can say wholeheartedly that I am not dependent on him for anything at all. I couldn't give two shits about this guy. I think most of this is sheer and utter disappointment in myself. I used to be stronger than this and now I've given it all up. I've let down my guard and let someone in who I really shouldn't even be giving the time of day! There are so many better guys out there for me and I'm just letting this one string me along for the ride just because I'm a slut that wants "instant gratification." And I KNEW that gratification wouldn't come without a cost. I KNEW it. But I said "fuck it" and did it anyway, because I'm a dumb ass.

Promises, promises...no matter what, they're always broken. Whether they're between two people or you and yourself, they're always broken.

Patience Turns to Impatience

So not only have I not received any sort of communication from the certain someone mentioned in the last post but I am sitting in the middle of a hall meeting and writing this post. This is literally the worst combination ever...

Patience.

I have been so fucking patient with you through this whole thing. The entire fucking time. All semester, I've been at your beck and call. And as soon as I want something from you, you bail on me. YOU FUCKING BAIL ON ME. You say you "owe me big." You're damn right you do. I expect chocolate and flowers and the whole fucking nine yards after tonight. I want the whole fucking thing. And you'd better deliver. It had better be decent for as long as I've had to wait for this.

An this has been a rant.

Significant, Statistically.

There is nothing worse than feeling like you don't actually matter to someone. Especially because I've been very kind to you. We can't even have a conversation outside of your room. That's just not how we are. We even have a class together and you can't even talk to me about some common interest we have? You know we have them; that's what brought us I to this situation in the first place...unless you don't remember. Which, honestly, wouldn't surprise me.

The fact that I can't say no to you whenever you call me is the worst thing in the world. You call me at one o'clock in the morning? Ten minutes later, I'm at your door. I'm the exact person I never thought I would be. And a part of me is truly ashamed. The rest of me is just plain confused. I used to have values and morals but now they've all gone to shit. Apparently.

I just can't believe why I'm letting all if this go on and my conscience has gone on vacation.

Crushing and Crashing.

There is something amazing about you that I just can't figure out. I don't know why I am so into you. I cannot have you. You don't want me. You're also going to Washington next semester to do an internship. There's really no point to me wanting you. Yet, I find myself getting giddy every time I see you; and when you say hi to me, I just get so excited. It makes me so happy. I can't help it. There's nothing I can do to make it stop. And I need to. It's not healthy for me to want yet another guy I can't have. I know for me it's always been about chasing and wanting, but shouldn't it be more about having? Wouldn't that make more sense?

Nothing I do ever makes sense.

Kissing.

You know when you kiss someone and you feel their lips on yours for hours afterwards?

I have that. I love that.

I shouldn't have that with this guy. It shouldn't be this way.

But it is.

I mean, I'm not attracted to him. At all. But the way he kisses me is just plain magical.

I feel strange without feeling that tonight. But, thinking about it brings it back. And now I feel it again.

I can only wonder why.